Say No to Drama

By Mimi Kraus, LCSW-C

We all love to watch drama in movies and TV shows.  But when drama makes its way into our daily lives, things tend to go awry.  The Urban Dictionary defines drama as “making a big deal over something unnecessarily, or a way of relating to the world in which a person consistently overreacts to or greatly exaggerates the importance of benign events.” People engage in dramatic behavior for attention, and to control or manipulate others.  When there’s drama, it’s extremely difficult to get anything accomplished.

It’s possible that you are dealing with someone who brings drama and you might not even know it.  Here are some examples.
Straightforward communication without drama:

“What did the doctor say when you went there today?”

“She looked at my x-ray and said there was something that she wants to keep an eye on — a small shadow. She doesn’t think it is anything to worry about but wants to check it in six months.  I am feeling concerned.”

As you see, a request for information was met with an informative response.

Communication with drama instead of information and a suggested response:

 “What did the doctor say when you went there today?’’

“It was bad news-I might have something serious. I’m too upset to talk about it!” (no specific information was provided, high level of emotion, communication is shut down)

“I can see that you are upset and scared.” (emotion is validated) “What exactly did the doctor say?” (repeated request for information made in a calm voice)

“She said that she saw something on an x-ray. What if it’s cancer? I may not have that much longer!” (A fact was presented, and then the person returned to drama.)

“That must be upsetting. Did she say anything more about the x-ray?” (validation, request for information)

“She said she wants to check the x-ray again in six months, but I still am afraid that it is malignant!” (By now the situation is becoming clearer as more information is obtained. The doctor’s interpretation of the x-ray does not indicate that she thinks it is a medical crisis.)

In the next example, a person is calling to let his partner know he is working late and gets dumped on with emotion. He deals with their responses calmly and rationally, trying to be supportive, yet calling them out on their poor communication.

“I’m calling because I have to work late this evening”

“That’s not fair! You know I have been alone with the kids all day! I know you don’t understand because your work is so much more important, but I have been alone at home all day with the kids while you have had coffee and conversation with adults!  You have no idea how lonely and depressing it is changing diapers and cleaning up messes all day long.” (The stay-at home parent has a point, but chooses to express it with guilt-tripping and attacking.)

“Whoa-that’s a lot you just threw at me. You sound burned out. I will try to get my work done as soon as I can, so I can get home and we can talk. There are things going on with me at work that I would like to share with you.”

If the partner had been more reasonable, they could have made their point without resorting to drama.

“I’m calling because I have to work late this evening” 

“Wow- bad timing!  I am so burned out from being with the kids all day and was so looking forward to being with you tonight! What’s going on that you need to work late?

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The best advice about dealing with drama is to avoid falling into the trap.  Here are some suggestions:

• Stay calm – Another person’s drama can elicit strong emotions in anyone, so take a few deep breaths until you can respond appropriately. A calm, unemotional response will deflate the drama balloon, while an emotionally charged response could escalate the drama.
• Don’t argue – Try to limit your response because a dramatic person will refute most of what you say. State your position clearly and simply without getting emotional.
• Validate their feelings – Comment on what the person is saying so they feel understood.
• Ask for specifics – inquiring about reasonable ideas or suggestions will keep the person on track and help tone down the drama.
• Don’t take it personally – Keep in mind that when someone is being dramatic, that the issue is with them, not you.
• End the conversation – Don’t feel the need to drag things out or let the other person have their say. If the conversation is not productive, end it.

Remember there are ways to respond without getting caught up in the other person’s drama. Learning and practicing these ways take time, but the rewards —  meaningful and effective communication — are worth it.  If, however, you start to see patterns of interaction and behavior which are too difficult or problematic, you might want to consider speaking with a professional.

Mimi Kraus is a manager for JCS Therapy Services.

JCS provides a broad range of services that meet the diverse, multi-dimensional needs of individuals and families throughout Central Maryland.  We offer guidance and support when you are seeking solutions for emotional well-being, aging and caregiving, parenting, job seeking, employers and businesses, achieving financial stability, living with special needs, and preventing risky behaviors. To learn more, please visit our home page or call 410-466-9200.