By Paige Goldstein, LGSW

Paige Goldstein, LGSW, Therapy Services, Jewish Community Services, Baltimore, MD

You have asked your 10-year-old child repeatedly, “Pick up your shoes and move them to the closet, put your dirty clothes in the hamper, pick your toys up off the floor, clear your homework off the table…” Your child continues to play with a video game.   You’ve reached the point of zero tolerance for the ignoring of your requests and this dilly-dallying. With your blood boiling, the screaming battle begins. “That’s it! You’re so lazy and irresponsible.  You can’t have any friends over this weekend, you won’t be going to that birthday party either… and don’t expect to watch any TV!”

When children’s behaviors become frustrating and infuriating, it is easy for a parent to overreact and jump into a mode of punishing and threatening, in hopes of intimidating the child into compliance.   Punishment can easily escalate into abuse, as illustrated by the dramatic example of Jessica Beagley of Anchorage, Alaska, who attracted media attention by her extreme method of discipline.  In November 2010 Beagley poured hot sauce into her 6-year-old son’s mouth and forced him to take a cold shower as punishment after he got into trouble at school and lied about it, according to her.  “I want him to obey and listen and to understand the consequences of his choices,” Beagley said in a video of the incident that she submitted to the “Dr. Phil” show, where it aired on November 17, 2010.  In August 2011, Beagley was convicted of misdemeanor child abuse.

While even less severe forms of punishment may seem effective in the moment, they can make a child feel disrespected.  Punishment actually teaches revenge, resentment and retreat.  As Jane Nelson states in her book “Positive Discipline”: “Where did we ever get the crazy idea that in order to make our children do better, first we have to make them feel worse?  Think of the last time you felt humiliated or treated unfairly.  Did you feel like cooperating or doing better?”

The more effective and respectful form of discipline, promoting long-term change in a child’s behavior, versus short-term obedience, is achieved through the use of Consequences.*

The intent of Consequences is to guide and teach.  This meaning of “consequences” is different from what Jessica Beagley talked about.  Consequences should be related to the specific misbehavior.   By focusing on the needs of the situation, consequences help children learn what is appropriate in a particular situation and learn to do better next time.

Use the following guidelines to develop effective consequences with your child, advises Jane Nelson.**  All 4 R’s listed below must be present for a consequence to teach effectively. Whenever possible, the 5^th R should be integrated.  Using the 4 R’s model will steer parents away from finding themselves on the slippery slope leading from punishment to abuse.

1.  Respectful: Consequences should be delivered in a firm and friendly tone.  The firm tone demonstrates respect for yourself, as well as the limit you are setting, and the friendly tone demonstrates respect for the child.

2.  Related: the consequence must be related to the misbehavior.   Directly teach your child what you are asking of him and work with your child to develop a system that creates natural social order (for example, “When your clothes, shoes, homework and toys are put away, then you may play the video game.”)

3.  Reasonable: Keep consequence fair. We are often quick to revoke privileges which do not relate to the problem and which are unreasonable (e.g., “No friends over for the next two weeks,” “No TV or computer time for a month,” “You’re grounded.”).  Instead, consider what a reasonable response to your child’s actions might be  (e.g., “Video games and screens are off limits for the day. Would you prefer to turn off the TV or should I?”).

4.  Responsibility:  Effective consequences give the child an opportunity to make the right choice.  Set your child up for success.  (e.g.,  “I understand you’d prefer to continue playing your video game, but there are things that need to be done before our guests arrive.  It’s your responsibility to clear your homework off the table.”)

5.  Whenever possible, consequences should be Revealed In Advance.  Let your child know what to expect of an issue arises. It’s useful to avoid surprises whenever possible.  Also, allow your child be part of developing the plan (e.g., “I understand you plan to put your shoes in the closet at the commercial break.  If they are still sitting here after the commercial, what should we do about it?”)  Also offer the child the opportunity to be part of developing the consequence.  If the child doesn’t have an idea, the parent can offer one (e.g., “If I have to move your shoes, they are going in the garage”).

Keep in mind that often misbehavior is a result of a child’s confusion around what is being asked.  She may be getting too many directions at once, or lack of clarity on how to complete a certain task to the expectation of the parent.   Take time to teach your child how to do tasks that you expect him or her to complete, at a time other than in the heat of the moment.  Offer one-step, clear directions for children who struggle managing multi-step directions.

If consequences contain all 4 Rs, the child can easily see the connection between the misbehavior and the consequence.  Even though the child may not like the consequence, he or she will understand the reasoning behind it and that’s where the feeling of fairness comes from.  The more parents include children in the solution, the more cooperative and responsible they will become.

*Rudolf Dreikers, “Children: the Challenge”

**Jane Nelson’s 4 R’s have been expanded upon by Parent Encouragement Program, Inc., a non-profit  parenting organization.

By Paige Goldstein, LGSW, Therapy Services, Jewish Community Services, Baltimore, MD

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